Hi everyone, I thought I’d write about something different than my average beauty posts, something personal and close to me: depression. It all started a couple of years ago when I was in sixth form towards the end of my exams however back then I didn’t know much about depression I just continued moving forward with this heavy burden, like this dark cloud over my head I couldn’t figure out what it was thus I kept it to myself. I knew something was wrong with me but I didn’t want to accept it so I just brushed it to the side, a lot of things triggered my depression such as schoolwork, unemployment, not being good enough, not getting the grades I wanted. As a result, my appetite went downhill, I just didn’t have any interest in food, I would only eat to keep my energy levels up, since I’m more of an introvert I also liked my own company I would always stay in my room for most of the day and hardly leave the house. When people leave sixth form/college friends become distant and there’s no one to talk to just family….and well family I’ll get to them in a bit.
Everyone went onto university and then there was me who decided to have a gap year to figure out what I wanted to do but to no avail I was still pretty much was lost because the thing is when you’ve told yourself you aren’t good at something its just best to give up all together….I didn’t try hard enough, I had this voice in the back of my head telling me I wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted, its just impossible and since then that voice is still there. When too much thought takes over your head, you almost feel static, not moving forward or back, not making any progress whatsoever.
Fast forward to the end of university, it was like I was thrown into the deep end, you see I only transferred into the third year of university so I felt really uncomfortable, I was in a world I was unfamiliar with, everyone knew each other so it was hard making friends and fitting in because in all honesty it was too late for me, everyone was already allocated to a clique. Looking back I wish I had tried a lot harder to stand out and approach people then maybe I would’ve gotten the help I needed with work, but then I thought what’s the point? we only have a year left so forget it, it’s not happening.
When the exams ended I panicked which is strange to say the least, I already knew that I was not going to get the grade I wanted so from my exams up until results day I was secluded. I would have vivid and strange dreams, my sleeping pattern was terrible and on top of that my diet declined. When the results came out, I fell into a much deeper depression, I completely lost it, I would cry day in day out, I refused to eat, I would easily snap at people, my thoughts would take over me causing me to become worse than I already was, it was just an endless cycle.
My sister eventually took me to see a doctor which I thought was ridiculous because all they do is throw a bunch of anti depressants at you and tell you to go on your way and like I said the doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression and threw the prescription my way. My mum, on the other hand, just saw all this depression as something temporary and short term and that I will ‘get over it’, she just told me to pray to God that things would get better. Little did she know that this would continue. Ethnic minorities don’t believe in things like depression they just don’t understand it, they believe that prayers to God will solve this and just having faith, I do believe all that, I was raised on it. Someone could have the highest of faith and still be depressed, it isn’t something that can easily disappear, it takes time and patience.
I am still trying to figure things out, I don’t take the anti depressants since I don’t believe that they work, I haven’t considered counselling either since I’m not much of a talker either, I’m a little better than I was before but I still have my down days, I tend to suppress it by being in a better mood to make my mum worry less but deep down I’m still a mess…
If you know someone with depression make sure they seek help as quickly as possible but in a gentle way don’t force it upon them, a therapist or a doctor should be able them and give them support they need before the depression goes worse. Depression isn’t a weakness or personality trait and don’t expect them to ‘get over it’ any more than they could will themselves over a flu/cold.